Stuck in the middle with you

‘Sandwich Kid’ tackles children with special needs siblings

By Dave Gerardi

A year ago, Keri Bowers and her son Taylor Cross filmed a documentary about growing up with autism. The Sandwich Kid, a documentary made by Bowers and 12-year-old Jace King (Taylor’s younger brother), examines the roles of children who have siblings with special needs.

This follow up to Cross’ Normal People Scare Me is a natural sequel. Siblings, Bowers and King remind us, “are the single longest relationship to last through a person’s lifetime, and they do it all for free.” The ‘it’ is caring for a brother or sister with special needs. The film explores both the responsibilities ‘typical’ kids face in terms of being caregivers and also how they cope with their own childhood issues while growing up.

The Sandwich Kid is framed largely by King’s own experiences growing up with his brother (who has autism) and King’s subsequent interviews with fellow children, parents and experts about key issues, including parental attention, sibling jealousy, caregiving and future care as they both reach adulthood.

For King, growing up was “like a roller coaster that never ended.” His brother was unpredictable. “That made it very difficult to get along with him,” he says. “I hated him when I was younger.” Bowers adds that there was a time when Jace and Taylor were not safe being alone in the same room. “They were like oil and vinegar,” she explains. “They were entirely different in their personalities and needs. Taylor was isolated and absorved. Autsim ruled his daily life in early years. Jace, on the other hand, needed attention. He needed people to talk to. Taylor would barely speak to him at all.”

It would take 12 years for them to come together. “One day Taylor decided to share a card game with Jace,” Bowers recalls. “He had never reached out to Jace that way before, and Jace was so happy. They have bonded like ‘real’ brothers since then. They have become very close.” The relationship between the brothers affected the mother too. “No more tears for me,” she adds.
Much of the film delves into the jealousy, competition and attention-seeking between siblings. “All of those aspects are everyday things in a so-called ‘normal’ sibling relationship,” King explains. “Our situations are magnified.” King and Bowers made some hard cuts when it came to exploring some of the anger certain kids felt towards their siblings. King, for example, says on camera that he hated his brother. “At first, I thought, ‘I can’t keep that in; it’s too private and revealing,’” she says. “(Jace) said to me, ‘Mom, it was real so we should keep it. Other people must feel that way too.’ We decided to keep in one verse of ‘I hated him’ and edit out the other two times Jace said it. All of our subjects over the age of 14 had worked through their anger and resentments with their sibling. I chose to edit out the anger of a few of the youngest interview subjects because I could not condemn those kids to see their feelings as a young person when they were so bleak. I don’t know what that says about me as a filmmaker, but I needed to protect them as an advocate and mom.”

For King, there are two ways kids view their relationship with their sibling: defensively and offensively. “There is the defensive view where they think that their brother or sister doesn’t mean to affect them the way they did and that they are going to do everything they could to help their sibling in the future,” he says. “Then there is the offensive view where the kids think that it is all their sibling’s fault. They still haven’t overcome the difficulties to accept the way it is.”

On the parental side, many feel guilty. “Let’s face it, disabilities in any family is a challenge,” Bowers says. One mom in the film, Loretta, cries as she tells her son, “I feel I’ve made you give up your life to help me.” Twenty-something Joshua continues to help care for his brother, George, who suffers from cerebral palsy-like symptoms after a childhood drowning incident. Joshua is the younger brother who must play the role of the older brother to 30-something George. “The feeling of having to take care of the family is common,” says Bowers. “The ‘peacekeeper’ siblings feel an intense responsibility to take care of things. They see how hard mom and dad have it. Of course parents don’t want their kids to take this on, but it is a natural consequence of the disability that exists within the family. Acceptance of our situations, and teaching that value as a family is how we create positive results in our family dynamics.”

The good news, Bowers says, was that she “could share with parents studies that showed their kids were more likely to become more compassionate and accepting adults; that their kids were more likely to contribute something to society as adults; and that their kids were likely to become more self-reliant and thus successful as a person as they aged. Many of our adult interview subjects were in a person-centered (if not disabilities-related) career helping others.”

King describes the filmmaking process as long and difficult but rewarding. “It’s hard to be under so much pressure (and) it was pretty difficult at first to be in front of the camera, but later on I got more comfortable,” he explains. “Making this film was an opportunity to learn more about what other kids and adults feel and how they connect to my feelings. I enjoyed the journey.”

The film’s interviews are generally good, but the repetitive nature of some of them tells you the film would have benefited from a wider range of subjects. Many interviewees are engaging and have interesting things to say on the subject. Others do not.

The Sandwich Kid is extremely accessible. Kids who watch it will be able to identify with and relate to many of the young interviewees. The documentary does a thorough job investigating the many emotions of children whose childhood has been anything but typical. It also raises several interesting points, the most significant of which deals with the sheer fiscal costs of the disabled community that is shouldered by siblings. What would the cost be, Bowers and King ask, if one day “siblings would strike. Would it be in the millions? Billions? Society undervalues and underestimates the role of siblings for individuals with disabilities.”

The main thread in The Sandwich Kid, of course, consists of the kids themselves and their coming to terms with their siblings’ various difficulties. In the film, a behavioral consultant explains that autism can be the most difficult disability for a sibling because of its unpredictability. “That was certainly true in my house,” says King. “I didn’t always know that Taylor loved me. Now I know.”

For more information, visit NormalFilms.com where Bowers runs a web-based educational program (also available on compilation DVDs).